Losing or Loving Yourself

I watched this movie the other night, and it got me thinking. Have any of you seen Don Jon? I felt somewhat intrigued to watch it, mainly to see what interested him in porn so much , not because I’m a porn addict, to be honest I’m not fond of it. It made me think about how people lose themselves in others, and not just others but within the things they do.

Then I started thinking about myself, and for some reason something clicked in my head. I wasn’t sure what it was that happened within me, something he mentioned about losing himself that made me realise how important it is to love and better yourself throughout your life.

For a couple of days I was on a high, and since I analyse my dreams it felt as though the content in them changed the night I had the realisation as though it was something important that I had to learn, even if it was something as small as a realisation like that.

Also, if you remember that book I was reading about listening to depression? (Which I am waiting for in the mail currently) I think it has some truth to it. Because when I finally listened to myself, I realised that I have lost myself in a lot of things and it made me realise how important again it was to love myself. This might sound stupid but that night I was thinking about my life and I told myself I was sorry for how I had treated myself, and that I would try and do better than I had been and then I hugged myself. And comforted myself. And it felt as though part of the sorrow I had felt had lifted, despite it still being there, I understood myself more than I had before.

As days have gone by, it has been hard not to fall back into past occurrences, like numbing myself with food, or by watching my favourite movies. At least I am partly aware now why I do those things. And despite liking both food and TV, having them in my life in order to numb myself is not something I want to do, because it sucks the joy out of them. And I think that’s why I think I have lost so much joy out of my life because I have been focusing on numbing myself rather than helping myself, and I am consciously trying not to do that any more. Because it is important to treat yourself better than that.

Now, I haven’t cured myself of my depression, but I have slightly lessened it, because I am feeling more motivated to do things that help me. And I think that helping yourself and getting help when you need it are both very important things to learn in your life.

What I am trying to say is, small moments like these can help you understand not only yourself better, but why you are sad so much more. It teaches you what is important in your life. And that is something that makes you stronger, because you know what to do to build your strength up.

I think these kind of moments are different for everyone, but knowing they are possible at any moment in time, give you that little bit of hope that things will get better and that you will be able to understand why you are upset so that you can learn from these things, build them into your life and then form yourself into a better you. Into a person that will get through this and a person that is capable of living a fulfilling and exciting life. Because in order to get better, in my opinion, you will have to change so you can grow into something much more than you are.

Do you feel with your heart?

Nothing is giving me satisfaction. Nothing makes me consistently satisfied, I have small sparks of satisfaction and yet, in between, there are consistent periods of depression, loneliness and emptiness. And it is something I have chosen for myself.

The reason I decided to post things, was because I wanted more understanding. Someone that is in the same point of their life as me. But, it seems as though I am writing to no one. Although, at least I have tried to reach out to people, and that is something.

I don’t know why but this all reminds me of a dream I had last night. Of me rushing around floating back and forth in an ocean, with these big sea creatures and me trying to avoid them because I was terrified. I know that water in dreams tends to represent feelings and I know all well and truly that is something I avoid dealing with, and yet it feels like all I feel is them, alongside the every day activities I partake in.

I don’t understand why, when all I feel I ever do is feel, that feeling them doesn’t feel enough. Maybe I am not doing it in the right way, all I do is all I know. And I have been writing things down, like I did in my last post. Of times I feel things more so than others. And it has helped me be more aware of times that I feel more but not of how to know when it is enough.

I would like to know that. When will it be enough. I know that as a human being that is something I will always do. But, when will the torture end? Because, at the moment, while I’m doing nothing besides trying to feel, I’m losing out on other things in my life.

I don’t know which path I will take for my career next (and behold the waterworks start, I thought I couldn’t feel anything more). That is something that is making me feel heartbroken. And feel a tightness in my throat so that I know this is something uncomfortable to me to question. I want to know what it is, but I’m terrified of finding out that what I wanted may not be what I want right now, because I am very disappointed by a lot of the people in my life and the lives they are leading.

In the end, though, I am not controlling them, that is their path and this is mine, and because their lives are so entwined with mine right now I can’t distinguish the difference between the two.

I’ve always known something that you should always do is look into your heart. Because your heart knows all that you are, it is just that to feel all that is within it is terrifying. Especially to me, someone that struggles with their feelings. So, what I need to do is to look at what is there. But, that is also hard, how does one look inside their heart?

I found one thing about feeling what is inside your heart, just now, looking at something on Oprah’s website take a look at this opening heart meditation:

“Opening Heart Meditation
Settle your body in an upright and seated posture. Bring your focus to the natural flow of your breath as it enters and leaves your body. Just watch your breath as your mind settles.

Now bring your attention to the heart space in the center of your chest. And just breathe in and out of this space. As you do so, with each in-breathe feel your heart gently opening and softening; with each out-breathe release any tension or resistance.

As you do this, silently repeat, “My heart is opening and softening.” You may experience great joy or even sadness. Let the feelings come and go, while you just keep breathing into your heart space.

Stay here as long as you wish. When you are ready, take a deep breath and let it go. Gently open your eyes and take the peace of your heart with you through your day.”
From http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Listen-to-Your-Heart-Not-Your-Head

I will have to try it and let you know if it helps me in any way, let me know if it works for you. Take care.

Facing Fears

Not sure what it is at the moment, but I am feeling both sad and afraid. I’m trying to run away in my own head to escape from it, even though I know it’s not the right thing to do.

Right now I feel as though I am in an emotional mess and I don’t know what to do.

Mostly, I think it’s because I’ve lost my average job which I was not so fond of, and now I’m left with facing my demons.

I’m not sure how to face them, or myself.

I’m reading this article at the moment about facing fearful emotions. It states that “fearful energy is like a fungus that grows in darkness. As long as your feelings of fear reside in the dark recesses of your subconscious mind they will continue to grow. If something isn’t done to correct the situation you may eventually begin to feel paralyzed by those feelings.” That’s what I feel at the moment, paralysed. I’m sure many other people out there understand this too. You just can’t focus on anything.

It talks about these logical questions, but when I asked myself them, it didn’t really help me. Take a look and try it, maybe it will work for you. It was a bit vague for me, but may not be for you. The website is: http://advancedlifeskills.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-your-hidden-fears/

I just found another website with information on emotions. It talks about how strong emotions can be an indication of a core issue that is something you were meant to deal with in your life. It also talks about emotional abuse and what it is. One thing mentioned struck me “The “silent treatment” is a cruel way of controlling people and situations. Where there is control there is no love, only fear.” That is something I know a lot about, my mother does that quite often. It is hard when other people try to control situations, and even when you yourself try to, in an attempt to avoid facing issues.

The article also talks about symptoms of emotions that are repressed. It can cause fatigue, depression, getting angry about small things, knot in stomach or throat tightness, even a lack of ambition or motivation.

There is also a long list of ways that you can help become more aware of emotions, and ways in which you can learn to be with emotions rather than avoiding them. This is the website http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html

What I am sharing with you are all ideas of ways to identify whether you, like me, avoid your emotions. My way of discovering something to help me cope, may be different to what works for you. I am especially an advocate for the help of a psychologist or therapist to help if you are going through a hard time, and are looking for ways to help you specifically. I personally go see a psychologist, and I also studied psychology at university for a few years, and I know that it can seem frightening to go to one, it in no way means that you are crazy or insane, it is just a way to get help, only in exchange for a fee. Just like any other services in day to day life. I am trying to justify it to you all just to know there is an option there. Especially if you see things through a negative light, they can help you frame things more positively within yourself and see things about yourself that you are not aware of. Another reason they are good, is because they are trained to help bring up issues. Sometimes, friends and family are not very good at these things, especially because they are human as well just like yourself, and they may possibly be avoiding their emotions as well, sometimes we can learn to do that through other people we observe, and sometimes it is the only way we feel we can cope at the time.

It is just another option, and I am only sharing the benefits to you all. I am not saying it is something you have to do. There are many books out there that can teach you to be more aware of emotions as well if you prefer, just take a look at their reviews, and choose something that appeals to you.

Now, I am going to sit down and think about what is triggering my pain and fear at the moment. Because I need to face my feelings.

Take care and good luck all of you.

Not Sure About the Right Direction

I just need to say something. I have no idea which road to take. Or, what to do. Or, where to start.

There are so many self-help books out there that sound interesting, and helpful. Then I read through them and then I realise shouldn’t what I am looking for should be somewhere inside me already?

I hate that one book says one thing and another says something different. One about God, another about spirituality, one about science and another about psychology and I think how the hell am I supposed to know, with so many choices, what is right for me. It doesn’t make any sense!

So, I felt the best thing to do. Instead of reading, would probably be to take a look at myself.

Then I think how do I learn to better understand myself? Is there a book on how to do that? No. Not specifically me, per se. But, these books are telling me one thing, they’re all guides on ways to better my life, which clearly is something that is important to me right now. And I guess, there is no quick fix for that.

And also, I’m stuck at the moment in quick sand. Struggling. Slowly sinking. Attempting to figure out a way to save myself, when in reality, it’s better to stop struggling, calm down and then stop to assess the best option for me to escape.

However, escape isn’t what I’m looking for. It’s a way to navigate and assess situations better. To know who I am, and what I want from life. To know my career path, to know where I’m heading next. To find somewhere to start, before I take a step toward it.

I wonder whether this blog will actually help me figure all this stuff out, and whether it will help others to do so. Because at this point in time, all I’m aware of is how painfully lost I am, and that I have no idea which way to turn myself. Let alone, point you all in the right direction.

That must be the answer. We must have to find our own direction ourselves. Other people’s guidance can be interesting, seem smart or make sense. But, in the end, we’re going to listen to what we think is the right direction for us to head anyway, whether other people validate that road for us, or not.

Learning to Sail

I’ve just realised that I haven’t written in a while. I’m a bit lost at the moment, so I haven’t felt motivated enough to write anything. 

I am writing now because I am not sure what is wrong.

Well, partly I do. I know I’m not happy. But, I think I knew that before I started writing. I also want to write positive things, because I believe (despite not feeling that way all the time) that it is very important to try and keep positive when things get you down. But, it’s difficult, when you don’t even know what it is that you’re unhappy about. And I am an honest person, so I know to write and blog is not always going to be positive, nor happy. That is because life is not consistently both happy and positive, it’s a fact.

I’ve just realised that I’m sad, now from writing this. I’m sad because a lot of things in this world aren’t fair. I’m sad that things happen, that people don’t deserve. And I’m sad that people don’t have much choice in the things that happen to them. And I’m writing these things because I want to know whether other people feel this way too. Or, is it just me alone in this world that feels that way?

Most of the time I’m the kind of person to feel numb to things. And I have found that I wanted to write blogs because I wanted to find people that understood me, because, most of my life I haven’t felt that no one ever fully understood me.

I’ve stopped doing the things that I numbed myself with. Because it wasn’t a life that I wanted to live. I didn’t want to spend my whole life numbed by those things and wake up one day and wonder who the hell I was. I already didn’t know, and it would be worse if I had extra problems to deal with too. There are people around me, that are numbing themselves with those things and more, and I understand that life is tough. Sometimes, it’s hard to face things. It really is. And it took me a long while to realise the path I was on wasn’t going to be one in which I would end up happy. But, this other road left me feeling alone, because everyone else around me is on a different path to me.

I’m stuck sitting in the dark, wondering how the hell to turn the light on and wake up to the world around me. I don’t know where those people are, nor do I know where I am. Or, who I am. I’m trapped. Lost. Empty. And no one gets it, so I don’t bother explaining.

Until now.

I’m sitting here, crying, wondering where are all the other people that are suffering like me? Will any of you understand? Or, are you all on different paths in your life to me, just like everybody else. Because it seems that all that’s left after you ditch what you’ve used to numb yourself with all your life, is pain. And I honestly should’ve expected that. Because in reality, isn’t that what we’re all numbing ourselves for? So, we don’t have to feel our pain.

I’m just wondering what it is to feel pain. And just stay with it. Be with it. I think that’s something that I’ll look into next, because clearly, that’s something I need to learn about.

I think that another reason I am so lost, is because I have never learnt how to navigate my way through my pain. And I am still learning, just like a lot of people in the world. And it is something that I feel is important to share, because I want people to know there is a way through, rather than around our pain. And that it is important to learn the differences between the two paths, because going around and avoiding pain is destructive. Going through pain is uplifting and painful at the time, however, in the long run it is honest and rewarding and helps you build yourself into a person that can cope well with the ups and downs of life.

“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship” – Louisa May Alcott

Trust in Those Around You

Remember how I mentioned the other day I couldn’t get through that other exercise? Well, I did it! Thought that was something positive to share with you all. Another thing I figured out is that I need to test myself more often, because it feels good when you believe you can’t do something and then you rub it into the pessimistic side of yourselves ‘face.’

This is possibly going to sound like an insignificant event to you all. But, to me it was both comforting and exhilarating. I took my Siberian Husky, Blaze, for a walk today. I have never felt comfortable letting him off his leash, I have heard bad things about letting huskies of their leash. That they just run, and you can never catch them. Anyway, the place I walk him is at this dog park, with a fenced off area. Alongside this area, there’s a river that isn’t enclosed. It’s basically like a forest, and runs for a fair while throughout my town. Anyway, a couple of people were walking their dogs and they were both playing around in the water off their leads. And the lady suggested to me, to let him off the leash. And to see how he would go by himself. To put some trust in him. I was frightened, I didn’t want to lose him. We lost our other husky, Kaesha, last year, to a snake bite. I didn’t feel as though my heart could cope with the loss of another pet.

But, I did it. I just let him off the leash. And you should’ve seen him. He jumped in the water, chased the other dogs. Played with them, ran up ahead. And I got scared, when I couldn’t see him, my heart stopped and fear took over. But, I’d yell out “Blaze!” and he came back eventually. Every so often as well, he looked back, to check that I was following him. He did run off after these birds, and I yelled out his name a couple of times. And he didn’t listen. Eventually, he ran back after me when I started walking in the opposite direction. I felt as though he was more of a comforting spirit only to me, but turns out I am just as much to him.

It goes to show just how important it is to put trust in those around you. Sometimes, some people wont come back when you let them go. And those are the kind of people you don’t want around you. Because you can’t rely on them. But, other times, it’s worth it to put some trust in others. Because afterwards, you may realise that you mean more to them then you felt that you did.

“To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go.” – Lao Tzu

Starting to Listen to my Depression

I’ve been reading through this book called Listening to Depression by Lara Honos-Webb past few days on and off. It’s really interesting because it talks about the ways depression can be a gift (which is why I wrote the post a few days ago, in all honesty I have never felt that it is). I’ve been trying to find the motivation to write something about it on here, and I’ve also been trying to motivate myself to do an exercise from it but things have been difficult recently.

One of the things that I figured out, is that I couldn’t think of any qualities about myself that would help me through the depression. I’m not sure whether that was because I was feeling overshadowed by it at the time (and still feel that way currently) or if it’s just me in general. But, that really bothered me. I was wondering if anyone else out there has that same problem? Are any of you able to label the personal qualities within yourselves that you admire?

I also think that this book is a good thing for people to go through that are depressed or even just have periods of depression, because it gets you to confront yourself. I find that so far, it’s been tough for me. And I think it would be tough for anyone that has depression, because you have to face yourself. The real you, inside of yourself somewhere that is struggling in order to get some recognition. That quiet voice inside of you. I always feel as though that is the real me. You know, the one you rarely listen too and she/he always offers the best advice. But she/he speaks so quietly that you can barely hear them.

Before you start to question me, no this isn’t everything I’m going to be talking about (or maybe it’s my own self criticism judging what you all will think of me). Books and researching is just something I have done for a long time to try and grasp an idea about myself. Once I can grasp myself, I feel as though I will be able to offer more challenging insight on other topics that also bother people that are suffering. And remember, I am suffering too, just like you. I’m not quite sure, whether this is more a justification for myself, rather than to you all. But, it is just something I felt as though it was important to say.

Anyway, I am going to attempt this exercise that I have been avoiding, and try to face some of my fears. Please take a look at reviews of the book if you become interested. At the moment, it’s intriguing me although I haven’t quite gotten to the point of wanting to buy it (it’s a library book) but it does raise some interesting points. And some things that are important for people to be aware of if they are going through a period of depression or have chronic depression.

Journey to freedom

It sucks not being able to feel motivated, or to have to push yourself to get something done when you’re struggling with something else. What would happen if the depression in our lives, was meant to help us heal? If the feelings we felt helped us to redirect our path, and then move on with our lives in the direction we felt was the right way to go.

For a long time, I have felt as though something was wrong with me. That I was going to suffer for the rest of my life. That no matter what I did I wouldn’t be able to move on from this pressure holding me back. That’s because I was doing what I didn’t want to do. I was travelling in the wrong direction, and that I had lost my soul, the real me, in the process.

Feelings are a way to help us understand ourselves, and for a long time I have felt distant from them. I’m sure many people distance themselves from their feelings at times. But, I have always had trouble feeling things. Not only that but, I feel as though I’m in a constant state of anxiety which I have felt has held me back from a lot of things in my life.

What I am trying to say is that I’ve had enough of the pressure, the distance from myself and holding myself back from life. I’m a young woman, and I’ve never felt like me nor have I pushed myself as far as I could. I feel as though I haven’t lived. I’ve been trapped inside myself. And I want to set myself free.

I’m going to test myself, develop a better understanding of myself and bring out the real me that has been trapped for so long.

I haven’t ever written before because I was afraid that the way I wrote wouldn’t be perfect and that I didn’t have much to offer people. I think that is the lack of motivation and self criticism talking, not my soul.

Any form of writing is an art form. And I am sure that I have something to offer people. I think that what I have to offer is to teach them as I am learn. So, in the hopes that I will learn more and improve myself, I will encourage others to try as well. I don’t feel as though it is enough to do in this in private, because I want others to know that there is more they can do to assist themselves on their own life journey.

So, as I journey through this attempt to better myself, to move through this depression, to push on despite my anxiety. I hope that you will be interested in following me. I know I am not the only one who wants more out of life, and I am sure that there are people out there who are interested in finding ways to help them become more than they are. I hope that you all attempt to free yourselves, just as much as I will, and that all our souls escape from the prison that was meant to get us to strive harder than we ever have before.